A star looks down upon the earth, a diamond heart that burns
On black coals at the midnight's birth, while constellations turn.
O brilliant star, a queen upon the ebony throne of sky
Against the dark of nothingness you stand serene and high.
The darkling sky casts shadows down, an ocean overturned
The sparkling moon sails through the clouds, white foam upon her stern.
A vast expanse of emptiness dividing you and I
When you shine so far above me, can you hear my silent cry?
Why can't I be steadfast like you, untouched by mortal cares
That fill this fleeting life on earth like moonbeams fill the air
Like nameless longing fills my soul and rises from my heart
And shimmering like fireflies, rises ever to the stars?
I don't know why I stand here in the darkness, night by night
Cold and still like frosty stars, and silver in their light.
Could it be I'm searching for an answer from above
Or am I simply learning pain goes hand-in-hand with love?
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Warrior,
You've got a cool idea going, and you've got your language and structure nicely set up. On reading it though, I find nothing really pops out or leaves a mark in my mind. The words just scroll past, and the meaning behind them seem to be a lot of nothing around a core of imagery and that last line, which is kind of cliché and could have been expressed in a more interesting way.
More on the technical side now, watch out for the repetitions of "fill" in the third stanza, which make the words glaze even more, and the rhyme is definitely forced in places (I'm thinking the cringe-worthy "you and I", which sounds terribly awkward), and the rhymes in the third stanza are very mediocre. I also think you've overdone it a bit on the adjectives, as they overload the poem in description and lose the main thread.
I'd suggest removing some of that excedent, and infusing some more meaning, or at least focus your images into something that isn't just a succession of half-hearted musings.
Wow Warrior Princess, just wow. This is a impressive piece of work, and original may I dare so. I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer. Right off the bat you know I loved this. And that's basically true the utter beauty conveyed in this and the end which wasn't expected but fit so well. It took skill to write this, obviously time as well.
Where to begin? it's often the case stars are used to describe love or measure up to love, but it doesn't appear like you are at first which is the beauty of subtly in my opinion. You draw us on with wonderful evocative imagery, that just is amazing, but if I had to choose a favourite line. Let me reread quickly.
This here is my favourite line but the rest of it pure stunning, I just had to choose a favourite line though. Honestly this is pretty much a masterpiece. I gave this like a after finished reading it first time.
Overall: Great job, Warrior, you impressed me, funny, read one of your poems, but it wasn't as amazing or gorgeous as this one. was this a fluke or what? Whatever the case, recommend you try get this published.
Congrats.
I like this poem because it compares a star to a human.
It didn't seem to rhyme if it was supposed to.
Well that's all this dragon can say,bye.
The poem confused me a lot to where i did not know if you were talking about love or the nighttime. The poem seems to be forced and that makes it sound not so good. To me it looked jumbled and i had a hard time reading it. I was somewhat bored but then it seemed to get better to be so short.
But over all i found it to be good.
Arg, your rhyme, it annoys me a little bit. Maybe it's a little forced?
Now,that line does feel forced.What? That confused me a little bit, what is rising to the stars? And it's a bit awkwardly phrased too.
Heh, I didn't mind the ending too much, it's true, pain is love/happiness and happiness/love is pain. Just different forms of them and how they are taken, no?
I didn't mind a lot of this, just what I mentioned, urked me.
Sooo good job.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.